Flory

Today a good friend died. And I’m so far away I couldn’t even bid my last goodbye. No way of telling her loved ones that things are going to be all right. And they will be. After infinite moments of time spent in oblivious longing. Things are going to be as they should be. They should. There’s no other way of dealing with loss except to try to accept that a permanent hole is left when someone dear to us had breathed its last.

I’m so far away and that’s why the pain is greater. Perhaps, because sorrow finds no consolation in nearby friends who share the same feeling. There is sadness but it couldn’t find a proper venue to be heard. Sadness needs to be heard. It’s the only way to let it go. That’s why it’s more painful to hear one’s own sadness. It just bounces back to where it came from. It never finds rest in someone else’s caring embrace.

Dying is a leaving of the space in the lives of those touched that had always been reserved for that person who passed. That space becomes permanently erased and it is not emptiness that remains, but nothingness. Imagine when so many beloved have moved on in one person’s life, all that will be left of that person who grieves is a disintegrating presence until the nothing fully overcomes. Thank God for memories. The filler of voids that human being’s frailty creates. Mortality is intuitive. It creates imprints of time in one’s head so that nothing completely devours the heart. Not even loss, or sadness, or death.

Missing a colleague, a good friend, a ninang
February 9, 2011
3 AM
AkNZ